Fidelity vs. Infidelity

[Fuyumine]

The notion of fidelity, in modern times, is simply being faithful—loyal—to a person you have committed yourself to. It is a beautiful concept, really. The idea that someone can love you, and only you, for the rest of their lives is definitely something to admire. However, as humans, we tend to struggle with our vows of devotion and love. More often than not we decide that we want our cake and eat it too, that the grass is greener on the other side, and we indulge ourselves in someone else.

A friend of mine told me once that she wished that she could have more than one boyfriend. She said that she loved the person that she was with, but she did not believe that it was possible for her to love just one person, that you could love multiple people. I could see a bit of truth in her logic, but as a person who has been deeply in love before, I'm not sure if I really agree with the idea. But then, I am a Scorpio, and we tend to be a little possessive LOL.

Her situation made me wonder, though. Is anyone really capable of fidelity... staying true? When I was in a relationship, I'd never cheated. Sure, I'd thought about other girls from time to time, but I never acted upon my desires. For one, I never thought that these girls were worth ruining my relationship over. Secondly, I've always felt that if you're going to cheat, you might as well break off the relationship and mingle around until you get it out of your system. But who knows, my views may change in the future, and I may find myself hooking up with some floozie while my wife/girlfriend is sitting at home waiting for me. x_X

I guess my question is: is fidelity, life long fidelity, really possible?

Is there ever a good reason to cheat?

Can polyamory be a good thing?

[Mellusia]

I'm a romantic so if I was with someone, I would be faithful to them and hope, hell, DEMAND they would give me the same consideration. I admit I find people who happily cheat on the person they call their partner rather deplorable. If I had a lover and I found out they cheated on me in the course of our relationship, I'd be through with them. Even people who go with someone whose in a relationship, and knows they are in a relationship, just as bad. There are very, very, VERY few reasons I could condone adultery, all of which deem that one of the two is being coerced in one way.

Forgiving adultery is dependent on the person as well. I might forgive my lover if they cheated on me if we'd been together for a long time and the act happened long ago...Maybe >_>

But this is about loving more than one person, so anyways...

Typically a relationship of such a nature revolves around two people, BUT, I'm not against the idea of 3 or more people in a relationship. I'm somewhat hard pressed to believe that there can be a long-lasting loving relationship with 3 or more that's more than casual fun, but if you can some how manage to work being in a poly relationship, where everyone is aware of the other people in the relationship, then that's not something I would object.

But the whole basis is the lack of secrets. If you go be with one person and then go to another person, you should tell the first person that, or inform them before hand. Either they'd be fine with it or not. Usually they'd be outraged, but if they're fine with that, then lucky you.

If not, fuck you, you deserve getting dumped >_>

If you're with one person and they don't mind you being with someone else even if they remain faithful to you themselves, well first I'd think they deserve better or at least go be with others if they wished as you are, but if they know and they're okay with it, logically it's not bad.

[Contra Fates]

I think the answer to this really lies in what the person's upbringing was. I'm one of the few people who grew up in a happy household, with parents that remained and still are married; 37 years in fact! Because of that, I've grown up believing that fidelity is the only way, and that you are meant to be with one person who you get along with and love, for a long part of your life.

I've dated before, and I've had a few boyfriends, and I had more than my fair share of 'offers' from men who wanted to make me the girl they'd cheat on their girlfriends with. But, I really wasn't interested at all. I'm the sort of person who was in it for love and a long, stable relationship. I dated different people...the jock, the quiet nerd, the questionably gay guy, the army guy...but none of them worked well with me. Fortunately I found someone who fit all of my requirements for someone I'd be in a relationship with, and we've lived together for over a year now. I've never had -any- sort of desire to look at other men in an intimate way, and really, I don't see why I ever would.

RARELY does a home wrecker ever get a happy ending, and the 'Mistress' never gets her love, nor financial security. It seems like such a losing situation in all ways. I think people just need to go through a long phase of dating to get it all out of their system, but once they've found a quality person, they should just buckle down and focus their affection and time on that person. Fantasies and dreams are just that...once they become real they're not make believe anymore, and they're certainly not what it was dreamt up to be, either.

[Fuyumine]

Interesting points.

Do you guys think that there are methods to maintaining a healthy, faithful relationship? Naturally, faithfulness depends on the person; however, I've heard many times from guys and girls that there are a few things that push them into the realm of infidelity, and that there were also things that about their partner that keeps them faithful.

Is there anything your partner could do to make you break your personal vow of faithfulness and devotion? Or is it simply not in your nature?

[Mellusia]

Eh, honestly, I think it really varies on the situation and such. Revenge is a great motive to cheat on your lover. Maybe they hooked up with someone for a quick romp and had the decency to at least tell you and to grovel for forgiveness. You could cheat on them back to be fair or something. Maybe even tell them that you're going to be doing that and not to wait up if you're feeling really vindictive.

I suppose there's also that your lover isn't interested in sex anymore but you still are. It's a scenario I've heard often about when it comes to the middle-aged pairings. They've been together for a long time but one wants to just sleep and the other wants to do more stuff, so depending on the pairing, the one not interested in sex could condone the occasional affair. Not to say they don't love each other, but if both aren't enjoying sex, what's the point, right?

There are also some cultures still in the world in this day and age where women are subservient property to their husband and do get treated rather badly (beatings, rape, labour, etc). Maybe in the fairy tale like scenario, a person comes into the woman's life and whisks her off from the harsh lifestyle. Or the woman just wants to be defiant and does what she wants as a momentary escape. If the situation was reversed, the same idea could apply for men I'm sure.

EDIT: I love how the last five posts are all about one spam-ish comment made. SPAM begets more SPAM apparently >_>

[Fuyumine]

Definitely. Revenge is probably one of the strongest motives that people have for cheating. A lot of the times, the person doesn't have to be entirely sure that they're being cheated on to get inspired to step outside of the relationship and do whatever. It's scary as hell, man.

[A Bit Obtuse]

I don't know how much I can put into this discussion because personally I don't believe in love (or long lasting fidelity however you want to put it). I don't mean to say that love isn't real or question anyone about their ideals of love I just don't believe in love for my own purpose. I believe in tolerance not love. And you can only tolerate someone for so long before you just want something different or can't handle it anymore. I don't see the fun in being with one person for the rest of your life, but I don't think cheating is the right answer.

I have a polyamorous friend and she's so content with her lifestyle that I'm absolutely jealous. She lives with an older man and his partner of 13 years. All three of them have multiple girlfriends/boyfriends (Well he doesn't have a boyfriend because he doesn't care for men) and their partners have multiple partners as well. They're so happy and get along so well, even with their ex's. I think it's because they're so open-minded and truthful to each other, and without that it would be utter chaos. (And the fact that they're UBER safe when it comes to sex. With multiple partners safety is a must have).

Again, I'm totally jealous but I could never live that lifestyle. Too many people. I wouldn't be able to stand it. So it's definitely not for everyone.

I think if someone is not happy in their current situation, they need to change it. . Either sit down with your partner and talk about the relationship or move on to something new. Cheating only makes it worse.

*shrugs* But that's just my opinion.

[Fuyumine]

@ Playing_Parts
Ha. You kind of sound like me with that philosophy. I had developed that school of thought after observing other people's relationships, and looking back at my last relationship. People have made me terribly cynical. Still though, despite having no faith that people are truly capable of being devoted to a single person for the rest of their lives, I am still in love with the idea of love. It's the hopeless romantic in me, I think.

You bring up something interesting with the polyamory, though. A friend of mine doesn't believe that it's possible for people to remain faithful to just one person, and that their natures are going to rear its head sooner or later. So if his girlfriend wants to go out and fuck some other guy, he just urges that she tells him first. As far as he's concerned, love and sex have no connection, and that he'd be more hurt if she fell in love with someone else than have sex with someone else.

I don't think I'd be able to do it, considering how extremely SELFISH I am when it comes to relationships, but yeah. LOL

[tynclalk73]

From the examples you gave, it seems youre unclear what "fidelity" means. It has absolutely nothing to do with pitchy vocals or unsteady tempos. And by the way, its Zeppe

[Fuyumine]

From the examples you gave, it seems youre unclear what "fidelity" means. It has absolutely nothing to do with pitchy vocals or unsteady tempos. And by the way, its Zeppe

Wha...?

[BlackJack]

From the examples you gave, it seems youre unclear what "fidelity" means. It has absolutely nothing to do with pitchy vocals or unsteady tempos. And by the way, its Zeppe

Wha...?

Is he joking?

[Fuyumine]

Think he might be a spambot, to be honest. LOL Not sure. We'll see.

[Aleister Black]

Spambot or not, he does get props for the most random comeback EVER.

[Inu]

Spambot or not, he does get props for the most random comeback EVER.

and it was his/her/it's first post. XD

[dthc]

In short, infidelity is too complicated for me. For one, although my father is my role model, that's not why. I don't want to be at my kid's graduation and be dating someone they walked with. That feels like shit. For two, I can't make more than one person feel important. It gets complicated and then you feel like shit when the person you cheated on dies a year later. For three, I'm bad at secrets. I'd come home one day and just tell Bret what I'd done and it'd just make our situation shit. For four, I'm allergic to latex. For five, it'd be stupid to get my feelings hurt by someone on the side. And I would cause people aren't careful and they treat you like shit. In short, as things stand, if I wanted to go out and have sex with girls, I could (it is currently allowed in our relationship bi-laws), but I don't care too because it's too obnoxious to end up my father.

[Recycled Human]

Not to revive a dead thread or anything but, was the question here 'is it ok to cheat?'

I think the short answer is, yeah, we get tempted by feelings other people plant in us and sometimes it feels like you COULD love more than just one person. And the truth is, you can. You potentially can love everyone. Love is an emotion, emotions are not black and white they can spring on you for no reason at all. Like a change in the weather 'I'm happy today, oh no its raining suddenly I'M MAD!' The same goes for love.

Commitment however, REAL commitment exists. Fidelity is possible. It's all relative to your condition. Its personal devotion, faith in your chosen partner and an unwavering will through-out our daily emotional roller coaster rides.

Cheating isn't something new, its been going on forever. Typically it was a man cheating on his wife, I don't have figures or anything but I'd take a guess that female maternal instincts coupled with male dominant society has instilled a set of morals and values in women that make cheating something they avoid. That's not to say no woman cheats on her husband, but it is to say while women need to be provoked (drug abuse, professional desires, unsatisfactory home conditions...etc), men require virtually no provocation at all. Merely the notion that they might have a chance to further the herd instills a desire to cut ties with any moral or ethical virtues. However, this is purely a societal concern. As an individual, you have a choice. You WILL have difficult emotional changes that conflict with your different roles and attributes, but it is your choice whether you act on those conflicts.

So yes, you can love multiple people and should you wish to live that way, feel free. No tax break for you. Meanwhile, for those of you who make a commitment, I'm sorry the only way out is to call it quits officially. Acting on impulse is animalistic and as a people, we should be more civilized than that by now.