Retro Reviews: The Firemen

[Fuyumine]

Remember the first Die Hard movie? Remember your nipples getting hard at how deliciously badass it was? Remember getting fired from your office job because you were caught monologuing to yourself in a ventilation shaft, pretending you were John McClane? I sure do! Well, take the awesomeness of that movie, replace John McClane with a gutsy fire fighter, and the German terrorists with living flame, and you will get The Firemen, a 1994 SNES title by Human Entertainment.

The game centers on a moustached badass named Pete, and his five person fire fighting unit on a mission to save employees trapped inside of the Metrotech Chemical company building, all the while extinguishing wild, unpredictable flame. ON CHRISTMAS! Equipped with a fire extinguisher, Pete and his second in command Danny, bravely venture headlong into the heart of danger to risk their lives for the sake of others.

The story is fairly simple, but surprisingly good. A lot more than what you'd expect out of a fire fighting game. It's awesome in a cheesy action movie kind of way (which I think the developers were probably going for), and does a good job of not getting in the way of the gaming experience. The dialogue is surprisingly well-written, despite the characters being undeveloped. But like I said, this is a fire fighting game, not an RPG. You won't find a ridiculously convoluted tale here.

Stages are divided up into 'Floors', and it is your job to extinguish all the fires you can and save Metrotech employees under a set amount of time, which is usually about ten or so minutes (your life guage drains to nearly zero once you hit the 1 minute mark). In addition to having an extinguisher to put out fires, you also have Danny, who uses his axe to Lorena Bobbitt fires into oblivion while you hose 'em down. You're capable of moving Pete in full 360º motion, lock into a single direction, and strafe while using the fire extinguisher, which is extremely helpful when you're in a situation where you need to move while you spray. You even get these things called extinguisher bombs that are like water balloons, except badass, and are a great help when you're overwhelmed. Power ups, such as life replinishment and increased extinguisher power, come far and few inbetween. If you're running low on health, you'll have to save a Metrotech employee, which doesn't come as often as you'd like.

The Firemen is relatively easy. You certainly don't have to put out every fire in the game. You can just as easily just put out the flames in your path, save a few people, and head straight to the boss. If you want a good rank at the end of the game though, you'll have to put out every flame and save every employee in record time, which can be a bit challenging. So hardcore gamers may have a blast with that. Perhaps the only thing keeping this game from getting a perfect score is the lack of a co-op mode. Having a partner assume the role of Danny would have been awesome.

Overall, this game is fuckin' sweet. A definite must-have for retro gamers, or gamers period. Collectors interested in buying this game can find it for dirt cheap on Ebay, and the rest of you can probably just download the ROM or something. It's best played with a controller, though. Trust me. Unfortunately for US gamers, The Firemen was only released in Europe and Japan, which sucks hard for my childhood because I would have thoroughly enjoyed this game as a kid. Other than that, the game is just great.

- Chris U.

[BlackJack]

The Easter Egg Tag in this one is "Yippie Kay-ay Mother Fucker".

I'll have to check this out.