blexmer

i met her (ironically, also named ashley) after the fall of the pillar system after me losing tiffany (first girlfriend) and i fell for her nearly instantly.
like, quite literally, i walked away from the class we had together going "i like one of them...." (was introduced to her through another girl i knew, and was having trouble figuring out where it was coming from)
nothing big happened till near the end of the semester, where i figured out who it was that i had liked, and told her. nothing developed at first, except her conceeding to the same.
last day of school, she came and crashed in my pseudo class that they forced us into at the end of the day and.......stuff happened.
( http://www.xkcd.com/540 ) for better reference, shortstop between 2nd and third, on the side of second.
and so began...me being COMPLETELY out of water, cause that was no where near planned, or expected, or within range of me even realistically predicting could have happened.
nothing really happened over the summer, she wasnt able to get online much to talk, and that was about it.
when school started back up, i still really liked her, and began trying to get to go out with her
at first, she wasnt willing to, because her mom ruled her world, and said that she couldnt.
........then things went weird, and we sorta were going out, sorta werent, and were just kinda...making out.
around......november? the last day of school repeated one day. minor drama ensued afterwards, but nothing that was key.
we started actually going out december 7th.
december 9th the school decided that she was "temporarily suspended" for her own safety, due to an episode she had had when she had blacked out and started roaming the halls.
the only time i saw her after that was online, and on december 26th, at a chistmas party at her house with family.
nothing happened there, was just something
we still were kind of sort of going out, but she wasnt able to go to class still. she was allowed back in the week of january 15th.
the thursday of that week, she broke up with me, claiming that "relationships just made her sad for some reason"
.......the night of january 22nd, one week after that (roughly, i dont recall the exact date) she was raped by a man in her neighborhood. my dad transported her to the hospital for the rape kit and all that. i didnt find out until the weekend after. all the while i was still trying not to let my hurt feelings get in the way of our friendship
she started going to school still, and we saw each other for about a week, then the school decided she was going to be placed into ISS for the remainder of the year. from then out i only saw her in the morning, and going to the bus. we tried to keep in touch using a notebook as notes and the like, and through online, and somehow it worked. somewhat.
around march, i tried to get to go out with her again. i asked if she would go out with me again, and she replied "i just dont want to go out with anyone this year."
within 7 hours she was dating a kid she met in ISS, who none of her friends liked, because he acted like steven, who emotionally scarred every girl he had gone out with. (i knew 4 of them)
after that, i had set my mind to never going back to her. and it sort of worked. i still had my will to keep me from pining away for her, and i lived a slightly okay life, and was still her friend.
around april, we were talking online, and she asked me out. at 9pm.
i warned her about what i had done to make sure i didnt go back to her. i had set up a wall for me to keep me from going down that path again, cause she really had hurt me. and when i say i did something to myself mentally...i mean it. the only way i was going to get around it was to put all of my faith in who she was that she was going to fight to keep it alive
..............18 hours after we started going out, she broke up with me, saying she forgot that her mom was anti dating again, after the relationship with the other guy failed.
it destroyed me. and destroyed how i saw her. her actions were no longer misguided, confused. she was just a fool in my eyes. but i still cared about her, cause she was my friend.
around the last weeks of school, we were starting to be more normal of friends again, and she just...vanished. i never heard anything from her. she didnt get online. she didnt call, she didnt have anything told to me. she just vanished.
the sunday before the end of the school year, i called her house, checking to make sure she was alright.
i was told "I just dont want to have to deal with this anymore matt, dont call here again"
from then on out she was dead to me. i spiraled into the depression only i can go into and still ace finals, and saw her only once before the end of the school year.
she tried to talk to me, and i walked away
............i didnt know what actually had happened
her mom had spoken for her. she didnt identify herself on the phone, and left me to believe after everything i had done, my friend had walked away from me.
...........when i found out, i still couldnt get myself to care.
cause a few weeks afterwards, when i was getting over it all, i realized that inside i was happy to be out of that. cause all she had been making for me was drama and pain.
.......halfway through the summer, she showed up on myspace again, and tried to talk to me.
...............it became an argeument,
but afterwards we were sort of friends.
we occasionally talked, but she didnt get online often. she ended up going awol for a few months at a time for a sort of job she had with a bible college
this summer, while i was doing a job hunt, i saw her in the mall.
she.....reacted well, and pretty much glomped me in the middle of the mall.
after that we started talking...alot.
i had gone to see her when she was doing a job hunt one day, and realized i needed to get my emotions on it figured out, because i saw it coming. a relationship was going to happen there.
the funniest part is, when i thought about it then....i was going to say no.
3 days later, she asked me if i still had any romantic feelings for her. i said yes.
after that we started talking almost non-stop.every day, at least 12 hours i was on myspace, talking to her, getting to know more and more about her.
i eventually actually got to go on a date with her. her mom made her brother come with as a chaperone (which i had to pay for...) but i was able to actually see her.
i hadnt seen her since she had asked me if i still liked her.
about 4 days later...i asked her to tell her mom about us.
she agreed, and talked to her later on the next day.
and now things get bad.
appearently she had signed a contract when she went into her bible college, saying that she wasnt going to be in a relationship so long as she attended that college.
she is terrible at explaining things. all she told me was that her religion said that she couldnt.
i spent 4 hours going to multiple people i knew of that were christian, and going through trying to find some way that we could be able to be together.
....then i read one of her responses where she said "if we end up just being friends after this, can you promise me you wont get depressed about it?"
...........and that was when i realized that i was fighting for something, when she had given up already.
when she had given up again. that once again, i wasnt worth the fight to try. i had to break things off.
this was on a thursday night.
........just realized the irony in that.
friday i spent following my usual code, of moping all day. the day after i am to pick myself up and quick bitching about it, and deal with it.
saturday was my day to man up and deal with it. so i tried. i attempted to be a good friend.
she was going on a job hunt and was worried about going alone. so i went with her.
i gave her a ride home, of sorts. i gave her a ride to the library, cause she hadnt told her mom i was going to be there, and was afraid of getting caught.
the entire time we were.....romantically depressed while she was doing her job hunt.
....because neither of us had wanted us to end.
while we were waiting, i tried to pull her closer so i could hold her, and she mistranslated, thought i was trying to pull her into a kiss.
first mistake i made was rolling with it. although i will say, sue me, i love kissing.
...things went on from there.
.....at the end of it, we hit the same point as the last day of school.
except, no cloth barrier......
...
yea....
anywho. afterwards i was beating myself up the entire night
another ashley (T.) i had been talking to about it, cause i freaking hated myself, because i was convinced i had just made her getting over me infinitely more difficult
.............ashley (not T.) got online and assured me that i had nothing to feel bad about. she said that i had actually helped her feel better about us not being together, because while that was happening, she realized that she felt safe in my arms.
(that made no sense to me....)
so....things went as normal as they could after that. we tried our best to be normal friends.
then....she told me that she "wasnt feeling right with god about it"
...and so she told her mom the truth about what happened.
her mom now despises me.
and will not allow ashley to speak to me, or message me, or anything like that.
.............and ashley isnt fighting it.
once again....i'm not worth the fight it seems.
a few weeks ago i tried to talk to her briefly, asking if she at least wanted to try monthly updates, so after a while and her mom calmed down, we could try being friends again.
................she said no. said that it was to painful to see me having a life that she had nothing to do with.
.......so now, i sit here, trying my danmdest not to point out that while it is painful to her to see me having a life she has nothing to do with, it is excruciating to me to not see her having a life.
so every day, i realize again and again, that because of relationship drama, i have lost one of the closest friends i had.
..........i cant even be friends with the girl who was perfect for me. in nearly every freaking way.
......i had never felt that close to someone. never had so much in common with someone. and now...i cant even talk to her.
it just.....it kills me. cause not only did i lose the relationship, i lost my friend cause of it. and that has ALWAYS been my worst nightmare.



had been having this conversation telling someone the tale, and figured i would post it, rather than have to tell the whole story every time someone gets close to me and wonders why i'm all emo lately...

also, i apologize if portions of this offended anyone