blexmer

first, two things
1. props to me for knowing the term enough to use it to identify a problem.
and
2. i apologize for only seeming to blog to whine, bitch, and complain about things.

so, after much relationship drama, i am single. the side note that made things worse is that a few days after we effectively broke up i met up with her while she went on a job hunt cause she was afraid of going alone and all that, and i wanted to try to be a good friend.
i ended up giving her a ride home, where we waited out by the local library cause she was supposed to ride the bus and was afraid of getting caught and all that.

suffice it to say that things happened between us, and things were pushed a little bit to far. not to far, but still further than i had ever gone. but that is neither here nor there.
I spent the rest of the night beating myself up, because i was worried that what we had done was going to make it harder for her to get over me. because the recent events that caused us to not work out proved we never really would. not for many many years.
she defended me, told me i had done nothing wrong, she had made her choice, and that in reality it helped her, cause she knew that if we had been able to be together, we would have lasted, cause she felt safe with me. (truth be told, that baffled me. we would have been perfect together, which makes it easier to walk away from? XD)
a week or so later, she told me that she wasnt "feeling right with god" about what we had done, and she had to come clean to her mom about it.
the mom who locked her away inside her house for two years, keeping all but one friend away from her, and trapping her inside In School Suspension her last year of highschool. the one who ruled her world with an iron fist.
and her mom reacted how i predicted she would. she blew up, and doesnt want me to speak to ashley ever again. (see earlier blog "answering a message i cannot answer). And this i was killed by, but could deal with. it killed me every day to know that she still cared, still wanted to talk, but wasnt being allowed to. my friends are my world to me.
that was about a month ago.
i approached her via myspace asking if she would like to at least attempt a once a month update, so we could stand some chance of being able to be friends once her mom finally let us be friends again.

she refused. she wouldnt even keep me in the loop, and didnt care to hear my side of the world. she said that she couldnt "bear to see my life without me (ashley) in it".
and this is where i had to be the nice one, and not point out that it sucked for me too, but i wanted to at least have THAT connection to her.

so i tried to close that book, since she wasnt willing to try to be friends.
but i failed. so i've set a timeline, and informed her of it.

i plan to ask her if she would like to try being friends again on July 27th, 2013 (three years after she told her mom about what we did)

and now i just have to wait 3 years to go

and yet, something still sits here bugging me.
i've had this nagging subconcious buzz going on, and at first i couldnt figure it out what it was. it was just weighing on the back of my mind, it was even sapping my focus at work and all that.

and then i figured out what was wrong. all it was was forlorn hope. i knew, and still do know, that i've probably lost a friend for good. and yet every day or so, i get on myspace, hoping that she will have sent me a message. hoping that she might still be a friend who is in my life.
i just......
i dont know how to get rid of a hope that only exists when there is no reason to hope.

*sigh*

and the worst part is that simply typing this is starting to wear me down, and making someone like me who rarely cries get close.

........blarg.

i wish i wasnt weak like this sometimes....